Ad fontes! Oder zumindest zu den Leisten

Nun, das Wochenende war blogologisch betrachtet sehr interessant. Nach einem sehr gut rezipierten Aufreißer aus der eigentlich total abgenudelten Kategorie Dumm, dümmer, Spammer! folgte ein Rant über eine Meldung im Standard zum erbärmlichen Allgemeinzustand der österreichischen Seele. Hier und in einigen verbundenen Blogs gab es daraufhin eine sehr erhellende und konstruktive Abfolge von Kommentaren und Posts, die regelrecht mein Herz erwärmten. Das ließ mich dann auch verschmerzen, dass ich für meinen Kommentar im Standard selbst – wie eigentlich immer – umgehend und nachhaltig gesteinigt wurde (im Sinne von vorläufig verstorben).

Weil mir heute überhaupt nicht nach Steinigung ist, möchte ich deshalb ganz konservativ (und konservativ liegt ja gerade so was von im Trend) ein weiteres Spam/Scam-Thema aufgreifen.

Der verabscheuungswürdige Bodensatz des Internet hat wieder eine neue Art von stinkendem Schleim aus der Senkgrube der kollektiven kriminellen Kreativität gefischt. Bisher waren Spam/Scam Mails ja vorwiegend durch ihre relative Kürze und intellektuelle Überschaubarkeit (sieht man von massiven Interpretationsproblemen bei diversen maschinellen Übersetzungen einmal ab) aufgefallen. Heute hingegen trifft ein Mail bei Mark Sander ein, das diesen gewohnten Rahmen sehr deutlich sprengt. Weil ich ja inzwischen auch zum Schweben geworden bin, weiß ich, dass Fleiß schwerer wiegt als Schlauheit, deshalb folgt hier ein vollständiges Zitat des Mailtextes (auf angelsächsisch, sonst wär’s zu einfach; man muss es aber nicht unbedingt ganz lesen, gewohnt sinnstörende Zusammenfassung folgt):

New York Central Intelligence Investigation Agency (CIA),
United-State Home-land Security Services Agents,
The Federal Bureau of Investigation On Internet
Crime Fraudulent Cases,Anti-Money Laundry Crime
Regional Division Head-Quarters United States.
Our Ref: TREAS/CLEARANCE/REG-CODE NO:898ATCP
Your ref: USA/CIA/HLS/FBI/WBA/INHERITANCE/2011
E-mail: centralintelligencegency20@w.cn

Your Urgent Attention & Cooperation Is Highly Needed Now To Avoid Your Immediate Arrest

Greetings! To Your Kind Attention,

Your Name and E-mail Address has been (REPORTED) to our office here in the United State of America (FOR YOUR IMMEDIATE ARREST) after series of alleged attempt made by you to smuggle in a very huge amount of funds into the country without legal documentation clearance and other vital information that was discovered missing in your payment file which happened as a result to some irregularities and insufficient proofs of data about you before the following named authorities such as the United State Home-land Security Services Agents, The Federal Bureau of Investigation On Internet Crime & Fraudulent Cases, The International Monetary Fund Monitoring High Commission, The Anti-Money Laundry, Drug Trafficking and Anti-Terrorism Crime Division Agents and in-conjunction with the World Bank Auditors who are also in-charge of supervising all local & foreign incoming and out-going banking transaction in the world, then discovered your illegal dealings and fraudulent engagement with the suspected transactions funds in question.

After my personal scrutiny, i also discovered that you have being trying all your possible best over a period of time now to claim these fund through the help of your associates, partners, offices and other financial stake holders whom you have worked with in the past and the ones you are presently dealing with now for the release of your yet unpaid over-due payment to you which TRULY EXIST in your name but does not have an evidence of proof that could convinced any of the above named authorities to believe that the said fund rightfully belongs and legally awarded to you by your deceased relative.

But since we are now aware that the discovered contract/inheritance payment (Willed) to your name truly originated from Africa under a Multi National Oil & Gas Corporation in the (West-Africa Region) been the organization which officially awarded out the contract to your acclaimed deceased relative, whom according to our thorough investigation and findings happened to be a distance relative of yours and a petrochemical engineer by profession who genuinely executed contracts and general maintenance services of projects assigned to him as a sub-contractor with some of the companies he executed contracts with before his regretful demised some years back.

Sequel to your illegal fund transactions with those you have been dealing with in the past which we considered to be FRAUDULENT, as long as you DID NOT apply or rather process the hitch free release of your aforementioned inheritance willed payment you are trying to bring into the country illegally. Therefore, we the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) On Internet Crime & Fraudulent Cases want you to understand that, you have to STOP completely all further communication that you are engaged into with anybody, offices, banks, ministry, organization, financial stalk holders including other global security agencies both locally and internationally as a matter of urgency, otherwise, failure of you not complying to our laid down directives will automatically warrant your immediate ARREST after (7) days of this prospective warning/notice.

Note importantly, since you have knowingly (or) unknowingly violated the United State and the International (IMF) Monetary Law by engaging yourself with the so called impostor’s and internet criminals, you are thereby advised in your own interest to contact the British Economic And Financial Crimes Commission Foreign Debts Payment Center (BEFCCFDPC) in London immediately you receive this notice, ensure you try as much as possible to secure the highly important document known as the Human Right Origin Of Funds Clean Bill Inheritance Ownership Clearance Certificate Of Legality in your full name as appeared on your ID which as to be issued to you by the British Debt Payment Office.

We have been monitoring your incoming and outgoing e-mails and telephone calls communication between you and some of those impostor’s concerning your unpaid fund after we received the petition that was filed against you for your immediate ARREST through our global tracking device which was how we got to know about your FRAUDULENT engagement with them.

Our basic concern as the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) On Internet Crime & Fraudulent Cases in this issue is for your name to be cleared out-rightly from the scammer’s list globally and ensure we fight for the hitch free release of your fund to you without further delays which is the only way the United State Government Crime & Fraudulent Police will not come for your immediate ARREST as scheduled in the next (7) days after this notice/warning against your involvement with money laundry dealings since your name and other vital particulars about you has already been submitted to all the crimes agencies in the United-State of America due to your illegal dealings and business engagement with some of this countries such as Nigerian, Ghana, Malaysia, Benin Contonu, including other involved nations concerning the claim of your payments which you have attempted series of time to smuggle illegally without you or your so called associates/partners following the due laid down process and securing your fund permit ownership clearance documents genuinely in your name from the appropriate office which has been the principal cause of your problems today.

Note categorically that, its our duty here in this honorable office to ensure we protect our citizens from running into troubles such as, terrorism attack, drug trafficking and to also fight against illegal importation of funds into the country illegally known as money-laundry and it is against the international monetary laws if anybody is been caught violating the law that has to be followed to the core as stipulated which is in accordance to the CIA Laws of Sub-Section 12/13 Of the United States Anti-crimes provisional laws & policies recently passed to bill which is also the main reason why the United State & the British Government including other countries concerned authorities in other to protect their citizens from being scammed and also not to get themselves involved in any fraudulent activities that could warrant their arrest.

The named document in question you are mandatory to secure as the law requires of you which will further enable you gain the legitimate right and access to the hitch free release of your approved part-payment fund, valued at $17.5 Million United State Dollars which is to be release in your name/favor immediately you are able to secure the (Human Right Origin Of Funds Clean Bill Inheritance Ownership Clearance Certificate Of Legality) that will irrevocably bestow the power of ownership to the fund and also free you from every criminal allegations charges filed against you while your remaining payment balance of your due contract inheritance willed entitlement fund will be paid to you and don’t forget that you need to get this vital document as you have been informed to avert your arrest within the next (7) working days.

On this note, be 100% rest assured that, once you are able to procure this particular document in question that may have prompted any kind of arrest warrant against you regarding any transaction, Note that, you will be set-free completely from all form of alleged criminal records/petitions filed against you which the named document will also prevent you from further or future embarrassment of any suspected monetary transaction that may involves any huge sum of amount that is above $500,000.00 USD, Thousand Dollars or more.

As it stands now, you are mandated to contact Mr. Byran Watts, being the assigned Assistance Director working with the British Economic And Financial Crimes Commission Foreign Debts Payment Center, in London who is directly in-charge of the issuance to the named document you are to secure from their office right away because further delay may be very dangerous on your part, “as justice delayed is justice denied” so act fast now as directed and us posted from time to time as you commence further dealings with them.

Below is the contact info of Bryan Watts:

Contact Name: Bryan Watts
Contact E-mail: bryanwatts99@yahoo.co.uk
Contact Tel/Fax: (+44) 792-452-4836.

Thanks once again for your cooperation in advance as we await your speedy response via email after your conclusion with (Bryan Watts) in regards to the vital document to enable us be on track with you till your fund is finally released to you, since every power and solution to the hitch free release of your fund is presently in his full care as the Assistance Director.

As soon as all this requirements are in place, the Certificate will be issued to you and your approved part-payment funds of $17.5Million United State Dollars will be transferred into your bank account or have it delivered to your nearest address hitch free without further delays.

N:B

Note we are highly concerned about your well being to ensure justice and fairness in all that we do, we will appreciate your co-operation in fighting against Terrorist Activities and Money Laundry due to the September 11,2001 ugly incident that was executed by the now deceased terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, so as to protect lives and properties and the release of all beneficiaries claims to them without further delays.

Best Regards,

Mrs.Elizabeth H. Johnson,
(CIA) Special Financial Crime Monitory Agent

Executive Summary:

Die CIA, das FBI, Homeland Security und vermutlich auch die Heilige Inquisition sowie der Kleintierzuchtverband Poppenbüttel West Mark Sanders Name und Emailadresse zur Fahndung und sofortigen Verhaftung ausgeschrieben (wie verhaftet man eine Emailadresse?). Der Grund sei, dass ein Verdacht der Gedwäsche oder des Drogenschmuggels besteht, weil Mark mehrfach und über verschiedenste Kontaktpersonen versucht haben soll, enorme Geldbeträge in seinen Besitz zu bringen, ohne dass die genannten Vereine (CIA et al.) genügend Beweise hätten, dass ihm diese Mittel auch von Rechts wegen zustünden. Hört Ihr schon die 175kg schwere Nachtigall auf Euch zustampfen?

Jetzt wird es ein bissl interessanter. Weitere Untersuchungen hätten nämlich ergeben,dass die (noch nicht genannte) obszöne Fantasiesumme Mark wirklich legal zustünde. Aaaaaber alle bisherigen Versuche an dieses Geld zu kommen müssten als betrügerisch eingestuft werden, weshalb Strafverfolgung, Einkerkerung, Mundfäule und Fußschweiß die unabwendbare Folge wären. Ein Schauer fährt uns über den Rücken…

Aber es gäbe einen Ausweg. Mark müsse nur sämtliche Vervindungen zu allen anderen Parteien (“Finanzpartner” und Strafverfolger) abbrechen und dann in Großbritannien (die Frage warum auch immer dort, soll hier nicht weiter stören) ein Dokument mit den simplen und einprägsamen Namen “Human Right Origin Of Funds Clean Bill Inheritance Ownership Clearance Certificate Of Legality” [Schenkelklopf!] besorgen. Den nächsten Absatz möchte ich fast wörtlich übersetzen, weil er einfach zum Niederknien einfältig ist:

“Wir habe ihre ein- und ausgehenden Emails sowie Telefonate überwacht und wissen deshalb von Ihren Kontakten zu diesen Betrügern bezüglich Ihrer Geldmittel. Dies geschah sofort nach dem Ansuchen zu Ihrer sofortigen Verhaftung durch unser globales Verfolgungssystem und deshalb wissen wir auch von Ihrer betrügerischen Beziehung zu jenen Betrügern”

Na, da hatte ich früher auch schon mal bessere Übersetzungen produziert… Wie auch immer.

Marks Puls ist jetzt sicher bei mindestens 230, die Apokalypse naht und Hilfe ist fern! Fern? Weit gefehlt. Jetzt kommt, was in jedem guten Hollywood-Schinken verpflichtend implementiert sein muss: Die Wende zum Happy End. Und das geht so (ich kürze mal ab).

Weil die CIA bekanntlich eine gemeinnützige und philanthropische Vereinigung ist, deren höchstes Glück darin besteht, Bürgern aus rechtlichen Schwulitäten zu helfen, hat sie eine einfache Lösung erarbeitet, damit Mark nicht innerhalb der nächsten 7 Tage eingekerkert (…) werden muss. Und das geht so: “Blablabla, schwafel, schwafel, 9/11, grummel, grummel, Bin Laden, blablabla 17.5 Millionen Dollar, humpf, humpf, grummel, sofortige Auszahlung.”

Der Vorteil: Nicht nur wird Mark von sämtlichen Betrugsvorwürfen für alle Zeit reingewaschen, nein, er bekommt obendrauf auch noch das Geld (17.5 Millionen Dollar). Er muss sich zur Klärung der Details lediglich mit einem Herrn Bryan Watts in Verbindung setzen.

Und jetzt ratet mal, was Mark Sander schon drei Sekunden nachdem ich ihm das erklärt habe, getan hat?

Fortsetzung folgt.